You know when you've reached the point of completely losing your mind? When you hear a pop song on the radio and you honestly understand every single lyric and how it directly applies to your love life. You find yourself singing so earnestly with Mariah Carey and understanding what she means by belonging together. You start thinking that Kelly Clarkson might actually be a genius with the way she has put all of your emotions into the most perfect lyrics known to the human race. You're driving along and nodding, agreeing, feeling it like she is, because you know exactly what she's saying! Suddenly the radio has not become a fun thing to drive with, it's a direct line of communication for your emotions. You start thinking that you could describe your entire life in a series of pop lyrics because these people really get it! This is the point when you need to get a handle on this whole "I'm sooooooo in love" thing.
Lately I feel like the female Rob Gordon (if you haven't seen and/or read High Fidelity, just stop reading this blog because I probably don't like you). When he organizes his records biographically, that's where I'm at, but not out of depression and despair, out of this stupidly happy love cloud I'm walking around in these days. Unemployed? Kinda broke? Unsure of the immediate future? Yeah, none of this is bothering me. He's almost home. (I bet that's a pop song, and if it's not, I'm totally writing it after I post this blog.) I caught myself belting out John Mayer's "City Love" in the car feeling like he knew me without even paying attention to the fact that: (a) he's singing about a girl (b) he's singing about a girl in a big city (c) he's singing about a girl in a big city that's leaving all of her hair around the place. I can now rationally see that this song actually has nothing in common with me and my lovely Mr. Magical. But it's the feelings he was singing of that I related to! And...well....I've gone insane.
I had dinner with two of my favorite girls in the world this weekend and when Mr. Magical was inquired about, I am now pretty sure I talked for the next 90 minutes non-stop about him in a giddy, schoolgirl fashion unable to get the words out of my mouth fast enough and not even noticing if they were wishing I would shut up and calm down to talk about more important things. My behavior at dinner is now playing out in my mind like the re-enactment of some horrid crime scene. Was I even stopping to see if they cared to hear this stuff??? Nope, I was just on a rushing rant about....I don't even know.... him?! How we met, meeting his family, what's going to happen next, it was sickening, I'm certain. I couldn't stop though! If I was Julie Andrews I would have been singing on a hill at that point, just spinning around and belting out my pop song. If I could bottle the excitement inside of me right at this moment in my life, I'm 98% sure that I could out perform the Dallas Cowgirls for enthusiasm. I can feel that my face hasn't stopped smiling in days. I can hear the unnatural soprano pitch my voice keeps squeaking into when I talk about any of this. I swear my hair and nails are growing faster and I am jumping out of bed each day. Everything is just so lovely in the world right now!
How on Earth did I get here??!!! I have never, ever, not ever behaved like this. The economy is ruining the country, no one has a job, all kinds of seriously traumatic events have gone down in my own life for years now....yet nothing could be better. Even if it all came smashing down tomorrow, how nice it is to know that I am capable of these emotions! I really didn't think I was, would be, or could be. I have always been such a psycho control freak about my emotions, that the very idea of something else controlling them and causing an unprecedented reaction in me was so far-fetched that I never even entertained the possibility. Part of me wonders if it is due, in part, to all the pain that has rained down in the last few years that make these emotions possible. Like maybe I tapped into a part of me that was numb for a long time because everything else got ripped open inside of my body. Or maybe I can feel this because I have such a renewed appreciation for so many things now that I have seen first-hand how horrible everything can get. Or...maybe it's just him. Whatever the reason, it's nice to be floating on cloud 100 lately. It's nice to give up the role of dominant, power lover and be the mushy, silly girl dancing around the house all day. It's nice to have something to look forward to.
The only little twinge that comes along is that voice saying, "Is this how he feels, though?" Every time that girl speaks up, I just turn up Natasha Bedingfield (whom I hated with a fiery burning passion until recent events) and sing along to, "When this life tries to keep us apart, you keep calling me back to your heart, I'm so glad you found me, wrap your world around me, never find a love like this!" (It's OK, I'm making myself puke too at this point)
